Friday, June 23, 2017

"New" zodiac signs revisited for 2017

Remember this? I'm STILL being asked "Aren't there 13 signs now?" and "Am I still my original sign? I thought they changed me!"

So...once again...in honor of all the uproar over the “new” zodiac sign mania that swept the nation…I am announcing yet another system, the PSYAP way of interpreting your birth sign for the 21st century.  This is my idea, and anyone who disputes it can do so.  If anyone cares to reproduce it…send a suitcase full of unmarked euros (I don’t expect the U.S. dollar to have a long lifespan thanks to Pluto in Capricorn).  

Ramses the Ram – Known for knocking their heads against the wall and wondering why they have migraines, and also found in hat stores trying on styles that don’t fit or make sense.

Taureen the Bull – Found at the dinner table sampling everything that tastes good (and going for second helpings), and also throwing elaborate sports parties where everything is made on barbeque grills.

JimiNye the Twins – These individuals have the potential to play a right-handed guitar with their left hand, and also possess great urges to steal candy from stores, but turn themselves in after being spotted arguing aloud with themselves about right vs. wrong.

Canseer the Crab – These individuals are found crying at weddings, funerals, and at the maternity ward where babies are kept overnight for observation; also known for making phone calls to total strangers and saying “I was worried about you; did you have a bowel movement today?”

HighlyLo the Lion – Often found in department stores behind the perfume counter and in clothing stores, they help themselves to samples and bring armfuls of items to the dressing room to try on and don’t put anything back on hangers.

Where-go the Virgin Maiden – Often noticed in personnel departments and human resource offices rummaging through the trash bins for lost papers and near the copy machine; they can’t stand to pass by the cleaning storage room without wanting to straighten out the supplies and be sure everyone has a sharpened pencil in their desks.

Libraian, the 2-sided Coin - Over-polite when driving (the Seattle area is known for this), and not moving at a 4-way stop sign. Often found at summer camp as geeky counselors, they are dominated by the kids, who are more cool than their leader. Libraians also collect and maintain libraries of hardcover books by color, not author.

Scorch-you-up the Scorpion – Often seen glaring at long lines of people and yelling at sports figures at ballparks; also noticed in school as youngsters who swear that standardized tests are a form of code.

Sloggytarius the Centaur – Fond of mules, donkeys, and burros, these individuals have a yearning to own animals who refuse to cooperate unless they get their own way.  Also found on farms where they sit in the mud and wait until someone says it’s the right thing to get out of the rain.

CaptainCorneous the grounded Goat-fish –  These individuals are the masters of junk yard recycling:  “Just because it’s broken don’t mean it can’t be used.”  Also seen in the fertilizer business and in the pastures of Sloggytarian farmers:  “One man’s waste shouldn’t go to waste.”

Aquire-ous the social networker – Often seen in community centers, schoolyard soccer, basketball, football, or baseball games as referees, coaches, and umpires who rule against the home team, their motto is “We will extend our neighbors a helping hand.  We will extend two hands, and help ourselves to our neighbors!”

Piskees, the two fish – Known for collecting wading pools and filling them with frogs and other amphibians, and fishing in barrels and swimming pools and wondering why they haven’t got a bite.

(C) MDLOP8 2011

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